PSA

After a recent, most heinous experience with a first kiss while on tour I have decided to put out a public service announcement. Now some people were taught in middle school, or maybe even in high school, that the appropriate way to kiss someone might be to try and spell out you name or even the whole alphabet with your tongue. Hopefully, at this point in your adult life you have learned that whoever taught you that was incorrect. It is not fun for anyone. Now you might think that my recent kiss was with someone who attempted this feat. Unfortunately for me, and this story, he was even worse than that. This man chose to only gyrate and thrust his tongue in an out of my mouth as if he were a bird peeking at the ground in search of worms. Now you might be thinking, “NO Dany, there is no way someone could be this bad at kissing.” SIR YOU ARE VERY WRONG! In most first kiss experiences the other person isn’t a perfect match. So you teach them things that you like. Most commonly that is by doing the thing you like to them. So, I a man who enjoys a little lip biting here and there, thought I’ll try biting his lip. As if giving the inspiration “oh I should try doing that too.” I bit his lip and he made a moan of delight. You would think all my problems would have been solved at this point. I pursed my lip as if to say “now you bit my lip.” Alas, he took this to mean “let me thrust my tongue in your mouth some more.” I tried this “teaching” technique several time with other classics. Like: the ear nibble and the simple peck. However, Mr. notsogreatkisser was either not in the mood to learn anything or just completely unable to be taught. At a point in the evening I weighed my options I could either pin him down in a very aggressive manor and say “listen buddy stop with the tongue thrusting, let me give you some new pointers.” Or just suffer through it all politely. I decided to go with option B. I sat there just letting it happen because I wasn’t in the mood to teach someone how to kiss. Instead I watched an old episode of friends… The one where Phoebe is trying to get pregnant with the surrogate babies.

People please, for you own sake listen to the person your kissing and be open to learning new things. And never, never, never, just thrust you tongue in and out of someone’s mouth. We are people, not lizards.